Louis Vuitton wins the World Cup
This was the week that Snoop Dogg teaches David Beckham to rap, Louis Vuitton design a man-bag for the World Cup trophy, Wayne Rooney reveals Coco Pops are the key to his success and Francesco Totti takes down Mario Balotelli with an unmissable 'tackle'.
World Cup to wear Louis Vuitton dress
Not to be outdone by all the man-bag toting super-star footballers in South Africa this summer, the venerable World Cup trophy will don its very own de rigueur Louis Vuitton carry-case.
Yes, that's right! FIFA have done away with 80-years of austere history and bowed to the faddish nature of modern football by allowing the French luxury bag manufacturer to design a new box in which to transport the solid 18-carat gold trophy.
What next? Will it start wearing flip-flops with socks and begin furiously texting with headphones in its ear every time it sees a journalist?
"When you have the most beautiful girl in the world you hope she will wear the most beautiful dress," Jerome Valcke, secretary general of FIFA, explained. "That's exactly what we've done."
Coco Pops key to Rooney success
Fastest-man-in-the-world Usain Bolt famously romped to Olympic gold and smashed the 100m world record fuelled by nothing more than chicken nuggets and Wayne Rooney is hoping to use a nutritious breakfast of Coco Pops to land the World Cup for England.
Rooney, who has smashed in 34 goals for club side Manchester United this season, revealed that he shuns the modern, scientific approach to pre-match nutrition and opts for something more homely.
"I tend to just have cereal before a game, probably a bowl of Coco Pops," Rooney said. But he knows not to go too crazy: "The normal ones, not the Moons and Stars."
Luckily for the Three Lions, their talisman's favourite cereal is readily available in South Africa, so no need to replicate the folly of the 1970 World Cup when England hauled their own food, including 400lbs of sausages, half-way around the world.
Totti takes down Balotelli
Mario Balotelli is a hugely divisive figure in Italian football. The young Inter Milan striker's combustible nature has made him something of regular in these pages, most recently for wearing an AC Milan shirt on TV, and fans either love his impetuous nature or loathe it.
And this week Roma skipper Francesco Totti displayed in definitive style which camp he belonged to when he literally tried to kick Balotelli off the pitch during their Coppa Italia defeat to Inter Milan.
Trailing 1-0 to Jose Mourinho's side, Totti, who still harbours hopes of making Italy's World Cup squad, decided enough was enough and hacked down the 19-year-old as he attempted to go past three Roma players in the 87th minute. Totti didn't bother to try and conceal his attack from referee Nicola Rizzoli and didn't wait to see the red card the official brandished either.
And it seems it wasn't just Totti that resorted to dirty tricks for Roma. After the match, Inter defender Marco Materazzi declared: "Philippe Mexes punched me twice during the game. But at least he gave us a huge helping hand for the winning goal, so thanks Mexes!"
Snoop and Beckham to collaborizzle
US rapper Snoop Dogg has been helping crocked Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder David Beckham through his R&R and, it would seem, filling the footballer's head with crazy, not to mention aurally dangerous, ideas.
For those of you who haven't guessed what's coming, let's get straight to the point: Snoop wants to the teach the former England captain to rap. Can you imagine?
Beckham has many admirable skills but if you had to pinpoint one major weakness it would be speaking, so to ask him to rap is not an idea that should be prefixed with the word 'good'.
Despite this, Snoop told the Daily Mirror: "Beckham and I go way back. He's like a brother. I'm gonna show him to rap, for shizzle. He's my boy. We've spoken, yeah, it's gonna be huge. Huge. I love soccer just as he loves hip-hop."
Snoop also went onto mention some sort of collaboration with Susan Boyle, so hopefully it is all an elaborate joke.
Kitson: Stoke troubles all my fault
After Stoke City manager Tony Pulis made a point of not naming the "one or two" disruptive influences in his squad, Dave Kitson put himself forward as a candidate for one of the two this week by claiming everything was all his fault.
Pulis was unhappy that a mole in the dressing room had been leaking stories of bust-ups to the press - including Abdoulaye Faye's handbags with Glenn Whelan and James Beattie's physical altercation with a towel-wearing Pulis - and threatened to take action.
Kitson, who is almost certain to leave Stoke in the summer, claimed he was being made the scapegoat and said: "And now it's like I'm responsible for everything. 'Cloudy in Stoke? That's Kitson's fault.' 'The traffic's terrible on the way to training? Blame Kitson for that too'."
VT of the Week:
Inter Milan may have won the Coppa Italia by beating Roma 1-0 on Wednesday, but the best moment of the match came when Nerrazzurri manager Jose Mourinho went to check on a marginal offside and the official refused to share his monitor.
Cue scene's of Jose straining his neck while Mr Jobsworth hugs his TV like a child protecting his favourite toy in the school playground. You can see the footage here.
Best of the rest: