This was the week in which Boy George revealed his Nemanja Vidic fetish, Inter Milan beat Barack Obama to Mars, Rosenborg midfielder Anthony Annan took a bite out of an opponent, Juan Roman Riquelme became the new John Terry and Jens Lehmann was reunited with THAT ball boy.
Inter beat Barack Obama to Mars
Such was the magnitude of Inter Milan's 3-1 win over Barcelona at the San Siro this week that the Italian press turned to intergalactic metaphors to describe their astounding achievement and declared Jose Mourinho's team were Martians.
"Mega Inter: We are the Martians" screamed the front page of La Gazzetta dello Sport; a headline which makes a little more sense if you know that the Milan-based newspaper described Barca forward Lionel Messi as coming from Mars following his "out of this world" performances in the previous rounds of the Champions League.
"Barack Obama promised Mars within 30 years," La Gazzetta continued. "He'll be late - Inter disembarked there yesterday. If Barcelona are Martians, Mourinho's team deserve citizenship of the same planet. Inter could yet be outplayed at Camp Nou, even lose and be eliminated, but the truth told by three goals, by the personality and the quality of the Nerazzurri's display will remain: the two worlds are no longer a galaxy apart."
The Catalan press were not quite as inventive and resorted to the tried and tested "cheated" headline following the biggest defeat Barcelona have suffered under Pep Guardiola.
Annan bites Norwegian into submission
Rosenborg midfielder Anthony Annan tried to nibble and fondle an opponent into submission this week following a war of words that descended into a bizarre exploration of Aalesund striker Tor Hogne Aaroy's anatomy.
The duo were involved in a few feisty exchanges during a 1-1 draw in the Norwegian Tippeligaen with Aaroy claiming he was bitten three times by Ghanaian international Annan when the referee wasn't looking. "He nibbled my chest," a slightly embarrassed Aaroy revealed.
But that was nothing compared to what Aalesund manager Kjetil Rekdal spotted from the sidelines. "He pulled at one of our players' undercarriage and he bit others," Rekdal said. "This sounds more like the kind of treatment players get from female shop-assistants in nightclubs at the weekend than from opposing players on a match day."
Annan, who was voted Rosenborg's player of the year last season and is known for his cool demeanour, denies he bit Aaroy and claims his opponents shirt lodged in his mouth accidentally. He had "no comment" about the 'undercarriage' fondling incident.
Juan 'Terry' Riquelme
Moody Boca Juniors star Juan Roman Riquelme has been likened to "famous Englishman John Terry" by the Argentine press following allegations he sent amorous texts to a team-mate's WAG.
Luli Fernandez, the partner of Boca winger Pablo Mouche, is reported to have received an inappropriate message from the exiled Argentina international and "caused a sensation" by showing it to Mouche, who tipped off the press and demanded the club took action.
Unfortunately for Mouche, although Riquelme has a strained relationship with a number of the Boca playing staff, including the club's all-time top-scorer Martin Palermo, he is a fans' favourite and no action has been taken by his club.
Anyway, Riquelme denies the whole thing took place. "It has been said that I wanted to steal the girlfriend of a team-mate, but I talked with him and his partner and everything is clear," Riquelme said.
Boy George reveals Vidic fetish
Controversial pop star Boy George has revealed he's got the hots for Manchester United defender Nemanja Vidic and would love to be his celebrity Siamese twin.
"I'd like his chest glued to my back," the Culture club singer said, before adding with a cheeky smile: "But maybe the bottom half could be loose."
In a rather bizarre interview to promote some sort of Sony Ericsson-technothingumybob George claimed that staring at picture of Vidic "got him through" a stint in prison last year.
Vidic's wife now has one more reason to want to move away from England.
German egghead predicts World Cup winners
A German university professor has created a mathematical formula based on trigonometry to predict the winner of this summer's World Cup... and surprise surprise it's his home country.
That's right! The German boffin has amazingly come up with a way to "prove" his very own mannschaft will pick up a fourth World Cup in South Africa, to add to victories in 1954, 1974, and 1990.
"It is very simple, all my calculations prove this," physics lecturer Metin Tolan told German magazine Zeit Wissen. "The last time we won the World Cup was back in 1990 and there have been four tournaments since.
"The average finishing place of the Germany team is 3.7 and the German team wins the title every fourth or fifth World Cup. Nobody can beat us this year and you can already put the champagne on ice."
VT of the Week
Everybody has seen Jimmy Bullard's goal celebration mimicking Phil Brown's famous telling off but Danish Superliga club FC Nordsjaelland took re-enactment to whole new level this week with a carefully choreographed brawl.
Back in 2006, Bajram Fetai was kicked out of Danish Superliga club Silkeborg for getting into a fight and when he scored against his former employers he mocked the whole sorry mess. Mimicking the fight by knocking out your team-mates is one thing, but depicting being fired by getting shot in the head is probably taking things a bit too far.
Best of Rest